I’m at that stage that happens every couple years, where you only know the surface, and it’s beautiful. And since you can’t have it, it makes you want it that much more, if only temporarily. And that's fine. Your favorite songs take on new meanings, and your inspiration to try and write something (no matter how trite) is reinvigorated. So that’s why I’m writing this blog entry at 2:30 AM, and why I’m still seeking a night job of some sort.

I was highly considering tackling an overnight shift at Target, because they seemed quite willing to hire me. I tell people that my interviewing skills are exceptional, and I stayed true to that prophecy. What happens? A second interview. For an overnight stocking job? Okay. Sure. Why not. So then it becomes even more apparent I’ll get hired. That drug test? Stop worrying, Kev. They keep wasting so much time that the drugs will be out of your system by the time the test rolls around. I get scheduled to meet up with some high-ranking Target Comrade. But the will of the proletariat (i.e me) is thwarted when the Target person (Beverly) doesn’t even bother showing up at the designated time. In fact, the two other individuals who were present for something similar (interviews, I believe) also got turned away. Wow, I haven’t even started working for Target and I already feel like they’re jerking me around. My father advised me to make sure they offer me a good wage if I’m going to take this job. Even though I’m still unemployed, I refuse to accept anything less than $8.50. 8.25? Fuck that.

When the bitch at the counter said “come by next week,” I held in my infamous kev-anger and felt the pull of determination once again – to find a better job then this piece of shit. The “Target Union” website for target employees (they’re not actually unionized) – its forum made me want to work there even less. Nothing but horror stories.

So when it became apparent that The Sharper Image, Brookstone, and California Pizza Kitchen (to name a few) wouldn’t hire me, I decided to go straight for one of my favorite guilty pleasure stores: Pier One. The store near Target in Bowie was actually hiring (Porsche informed me they usually only hire for seasonal stuff). I filled out an application, made small talk with the manager, and was told I’d be called back. We’ll see. I’ll stop in early next week.

I also went to the P1 in Crofton, at Waugh Chapel. They were also taking applications, and I was informed I’d be gotten back to in a couple days. Once again, I’m going to stop in Monday (after my Target meeting, haha) and let them know that Kev is still interested.

What else? Applications for the Best Buy off 450 on Housley Road – I’ve heard their wages are good. And I could work in the computer area, answering simple, basic computer technical questions. Or do overnight stocking (with a positive pay differential, preferably).

Same goes for The Home Depot! I put in an online application for that wonderful store – I could definitely do overnight work, or early AM inventory type things, or working with the computers in back. Or talking to people about painting supplies, techniques, and supplies. I can use a cartridge gun for caulking purposes.

My friend Laura informed me that Starbucks is always looking for summer employees. Hmm. Free coffee is a plus – not like I need anymore caffeine, but still. FREE. And mentioned some small company based in Bowie that needs tutors for junior high math and various English skills. Both of which I possess (the latter more than the former, but whatever).

_________

but after i get sick i just get sad
cause it burns being broke
and it hurts to be heartbroken
and always being both must be a drag

- craig finn, The Hold Steady: Your Little Hoodrat Friend



Craig Finn is the genius behind Lifter Puller, and if I’ve ever forced you listen to his nasaly/unique/amazing/godly voice and lyrics, you either love him or hate him (like The Game). His new project, The Hold Steady, released their second album and it’s worth picking up. It’s contagious, it’s outrageous. It has real, talented musicians.

SUDDEN CHANGE OF TOPIC

It’s probably been about two weeks since I came back from Buffalo, and boy I am happy. I don’t show it, and I tell others others-wise, and I certainly don’t act or feel that way. But I know I’m happy. I act like I’m hurt, but in reality, there’s something inside me that loves being unemployed, lazy, and having my “educational” time being a book by John Steinbeck or Dean Koontz. Or James Joyce (not really).

In Buffalo, I had this strange thing come over me where my attitude, personality, and talents were appreciated (not that friends, ex-girlfriends, and family don’t appreciate me. they do). I was popular – I always got more than 5 phone calls a day without leaving my room. I was invited to parties, I was sought after. I made myself believe I was truly in command of my own life, and held considerable influence in others lives. Fear not, these delusions (or perhaps a reality) were temporary, and I come back to Crofton realizing my true friends are few in number, and those I trust are well aware. But still – my mind is always at work. I meet new people and I read them as if I was trying to bluff with a 2-7 offsuit and make them fold their nuts (that’s poker terminology). I get inklings that an individual is trustworthy, and if I put my life into their hands at that very moment – they wouldn’t disappoint.

But seriously, lets hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t trust most of you sneaky SOBs who read this. Prying into my personal life like you do.

Point being, this feeling of being challenged by numerous things -- love life (or lack thereof), the seeming inability to obtain a job, to actually ENJOY going out for social things, and please certain people -- these challenges are something I look forward to. A goal to set, a really exaggerated ultimatium, you know. Something non-academic (aka interesting). I love it.

Something else: My sleep schedule is all out of whack. This is why I’d be good for a night shift – I’d be up anyway. At least that way I’d be making money.

My new favorite drink besides a good gin and tonic (hard to come by when your parents
won’t buy you gin) is an un-iced glass of water between the hours of 10PM and 3 AM. This is undoubtedly because my salty dinner makes me thirsty, but I just seem to enjoy water more at night (and when I’m golfing, hopefully tomorrow) than I do during the day.

I’m going to talk about Star Wars in my next entry.

For a silent 20-second movie of me drumming my skinny brain out, go here:

http://kev.spiffyness.net/dscn1827.mov ¶ 3:06 AM |

you should get the reference.

if you don't, he's supposed to be jabba the hutt. i love it. ¶ 11:28 PM |

I'm having trouble seeing far distance-wise, so the hot, Vietnamise eye doctor said I needed glasses. They wern't too expensive, and it actually WOULD be a good idea for me to wear them. I strain my eyes when driving/sitting back in a classroom way too much. But whatever.

Now I'll officially look like an emo kid. ¶ 2:05 PM |

I've enjoyed my time at home so far, without a doubt. The negative moments have been few -- namely failing to properly set up my wireless network for my laptop. Going to the professionals for help with that on Monday (Chesapeke Computing, about 3 mins from me).

I've seen friends, hung out, held jam sessions with guitar players while I created awkward rhythms on the drums...I did job hunting errands with Heather, played poker and won with John, Sam, and Brad. Seen two awesome shows (English Beat + Death By Stereo) the first two nights I was back.

I've drank gin straight, without a chaser while watching the sun rise a couple mornings. Promptly went back to sleep for a couple hours afterwards, but it's nice to catch a sunrise here and there.

I've completed two books in three days (Koontz and Steinbeck) while working on more. And yet somehow, I still feel like I could be doing more. That problem, however, can easily be traced to the fact that I'm unemployed, and that my best shot for a decent job is stocking things overnight from 10 to 7 at TARGET. And !@#$ing Christ, they want me for a SECOND interview. IT'S STOCKING PRODUCTS ONTO SHELVES AFTER UNLOADING THEM FROM A TRUCK. I can lift 20 lb boxes. I can be pleasent to co-workers, and I can show up on time. WHAT ELSE IS THERE. IT'S A STOCKING JOB. THERE DOESN'T NEED TO BE TWO INTERVIEWS.

UGH. I needed to get that out of my system. If I get that job, it'll fuck up my sleep schedule, too. But I need money, and I can sleep during the day if necessary.

Shows I want to see: Dog Fashion Disco on June 3rd. Good metal. Nothing much else right now.

I'm happy to be away from Buffalo for a little bit of time. I needed this. ¶ 12:28 AM |

hmmm......the english beat was great, i've NEVER seen so many middle-aged women trying to look (and act) like they were in their early 20s..


some of them were incredibly hot too, i'm sorry to say. i mean, i like older women and all but..... :-p

They were all SWOONING over Dave Wakeling. Just imagine if Ranking Roger had been there....



To-Do list this week:


Visit Walden, re: job
Visit Night Hawk, re: job
Visit CVS, re: job
Visit Target, re: possible job
Call people, hang out
Arrange poker game
Rob a bank
Write a couple letters to people close to my heart
Eat home-cooked spaghetti tomorrow, mmm good.
Visit some guy and chat about wireless internet for my laptop.


I kind of miss Buffalo, but remember the comfort of home. ¶ 1:03 AM |

In the last several weeks, I met a girl named Porsche. We seemed to connect pretty well. She was easy to talk to, read and wrote poetry (even had something published, which is more than i'll ever accomplish). I wasn't sure how I felt about her. It was nice to be actually dating someone after so long -- after more than one rejection of other females, after nearly screwing someone in a drunken stupor I didn't want to go near. But either way, it was nice having someone who seemed generally interested in me, and enjoyed my sense of humor.

Things escalated quickly, and moved pretty fast. I can't even recall everything that happened, but tonight at dinner, when a friend of mine had the audacity to ask, with a bunch of other people at the table, "so how'd you break Porsche's heart?" I was the closest I've ever been to literally breaking down in public. And from a guy that cries about once a year, and rarely shows his negative emotions, that would have been a spectacle.

Whether rightly or wrongly, I've convinced myself that I've been in love before, and know the feelings that go with it. Despite the fact that I enjoyed being around Porsche, whether it be something as emo as cuddling or something as casual as walking around downtown with her, I don't think I was in love, nor would I ever be. And she was. I was left at a point where I couldn't wait an entire summer, come back and say "sorry." I couldn't do that.

I know I'm going to wonder on the 8.5 hour car ride tomorrow whether or not I did the right thing. I know I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night in Maryland and try and convince myself that I was in love, and that I need to tell her. But I have to realize the unfortunate outcome of all this...A person I simply enjoy being around is a person I'm going to have a very hard time looking in the eye next year.

__________________________________

Sigh. And that's the main reason for my current depressed state of mind. Love, whether unrequited or not, somehow supercedes my excellent grades so far (A in English, A in Euro History since 1500, B+ in Anthro, and unknown in Geology.)

I can't believe it's been an entire year of college. I'm no longer a freshman in college. Just seems like yesterday it was September and October. And I've met some wonderful people, male and female. I've gotten to know people I wouldn't have gotten to known if it wasn't for OTHER people that I'm no longer too fond of.

I've done things I regret, yes. Some of them include getting piss-drunk and stoned in the same night, resulting in nothing but a bad morning after. I've said things I didn't mean, and said things that I DID mean...but should have kept to myself.

I saw Reel Big Fish with some buddies, who came to my aid when a guy kept shoving me around. They bum-rushed him away from the lady he was trying to get with, resulting in her laughing her ass off.

I spent nights till 4 AM playing $5 games of poker, getting bitter with bad beats, getting ecstatic when the cards fell my way. I chilled in James and Lucas room watching movies every so often.

I met a bunch of cool people in another dorm, namely a good friend named Niko, who is one of the few people in Buffalo I would trust with my life. Not that that would ever have to happen, but you get the picture. I had movie nights in Porter, or higher-stakes poker in the Towers in the latter part of the year.

I went to Turning Stone Casino for a weekend with Lucas, James, Dan, and Adam. I lost money, but had some of the greatest fun of my life. Sitting at the quarter slots with Dan just chatting was probably my favorite time. Playing 7-card stuff with a bunch of old guys while James and Adam tore it up at the limit Hold'Em tables...Having every single one of our meals either be at Nathan's or Denny's.

Driving out to the Denny's in Buffalo, and taking up Lucas' challenge that I couldn't finish the Lumberjack Slam! Then finishing it, having him pay for the meal, and losing $5 in poker later that night anyway.

Making sexual innuendo jokes with Dave, or bantering with him about Yankees baseball or his roommate. Playing miniture golf with all the guys, and getting 12 hole-in-ones in 36 holes. That's 33% of my shots being hole-in-ones.

Meeting some great people with great music taste in the radio station who I plan on seeing more of next year. Chappy, the program director, who I will be gambling with next year.

Jeff Fose, who trained me, an indie rock genius who introduced me to the greatness that is Animal Collective, and is looking for a new drummer to jam with sometime next year. Ben K, who loves Morrissey even more than I do. And then there's DOING my show. I don't think I want to major in Communication, but there's something wonderful about getting a phone call, wondering where they can get that album that you're playing right then -- and it's even better when that album is one of your all-time favorites.

Going to see Alexisonfire and Hopesfall with James, and having a rockin' time. Watching him and Lucas goof off in the pit. Going to see Muse have a great stage presence, and play a great show.

Having debates centered around moral relativism with Alix, and usually coming out on top.

Playing around on itunes in Niko's room, and putting stuff like 100 Demons and fitty'cent onto her machine..Eating lunch with Niko, and just having good conversations about stuff that I don't get with many other people.

Having dinner in the social hall with a wide variety, and just relaxing.

Ordering Chinese Food and playing ping-pong in Perry's basement. Tearing up the pool tables in the game room.

Having my Dad come visit before Thanksgiving, which lifted up my entire week. Attending an Ash Wednesday service that helped me rekindle my faith.

Having short, quirky discussions with my English Professor, Bob, who invited me to keep in touch over the summer. As did Professor Blum for Euro History. I sat in on a discussion about the philosophy of Aquinas and Kant, and just being amazed at the formadible language being used, the sheer knowledge being displayed, before the conversation turned to the philosophy of BASEBALL.


Rupturing my appendix over winter break, and spending nearly 2 weeks in the hospital. Realizing just how fragile and weak I can be.

And then there's Porsche.

And there's so much more besides that. More then I could put down on a freaking blog, that's for sure. This has not been the happiest year for me, but it's one I won't forget, and one that I'm glad I've went through.

God knows it's only made me stronger. ¶ 1:24 AM |

i'm going to have a detailed sentimental-crap-post about my first year at buff state after my thursday exam.

but right now, all i want to do is leave. i love the friends i've made here, but all i want to do is leave and go back to what i've been used to for 17 years. that has got to be an acceptable viewpoint for my current situation.

i tell people that i'm a calm, laid-back person if they ask about my personality. and that's true for the most part. but for the last month, there's a side of me that does nothing but worry. fantastize, ponder, and worry. constantly. i wonder if my friends ever notice.

probably not. ¶ 12:28 AM |

tough week ahead. portfolio due wednesday. two exams thursday.

tuesday is gonna be a major study day: after 3 PM if you see me fucking around, you better tell me to settle down boy, it's time to study. same goes for wednesday. actually wednesday is much more crucial but thats beside the point. ¶ 11:27 PM |