Dear Elle,


You're a braver woman than I'll ever be. Mostly because I'm not a woman. I consider myself a more courageous and unpredictable man.

That said, at least you tried to give up what you could -- I know there are things within my own life that are absolutely unnecessary, no matter how much they contribute to my well being and ability to stay content under great pressure.

The beauty of Thoreau lies in many of his keen observations, and I'll expand upon just one I happened to find spot on: The notion that human contact --- much of what we do and say is bullshit, in the sense that societal norms have forced us to think that having a conversation full of unnecessary pleasantries and discussion of repetitive news stories is essential for communication. I'm paraphrasing, if you couldn't already tell (blargh).

If I'm going to bother to tell somebody something, I'm going to make damn sure it's something I want to say, and something I mean. These past few weeks: "Are you always this quiet, Kevin?" Yes. Yes I am.

No, I'm not, but I can change. In fact, I find changing my life easier than changing my perspective. To change my life all I have to do is simply NOT take that $75 I was planning on using to pay for something important into the poker room, or just GO to class instead of NOT going to class. That's changing one's life, baby. If I want to change my perspective, well, you might as well be asking me to change my personality. Is it possible? Maybe. Likely? Not particularly, not withstanding an unforseen disaster.

That said, I try. Oh God, do I try. The divinity in normal things is certainly beautiful, I agree, when one can see it. It's all gold. And all this not just for myself, but for the God I believe in and have been needlessly rejecting since I've arrived in Buffalo this fall.

Tomorrow could be a day of reckoning or rejoicing, depending on if I get the nerve to say something. It could also be a day of routine, and I fear the latter of the 3 much more than the 1st two.

I wish you luck in your endeavors, both love and money. And the love of money. And family. Can't forget family.



Yr hmbl & obt svt,


kev ¶ 12:46 AM |

Dear Elle,


Sad but true department: I spent the latter part of my Saturday evening sitting on the window ledge in my room, smoking and drinking, while ironically listening to a friend (Bill Eager)'s song about how the spring will never come, and wilting trees. Not exactly the most uplifting song for myself at the moment, where I seem to go through a period like this multiple times per year, ever since I came to Buffalo.

Ironically enough, the song also laments not being "in proximity to you," which is reference enough for the individual I was discussing with you the other night.

But this period of time I mentioned -- it usually involves a lack of anything exciting, a lack of spontaneity, and a lot of fears that aren't exactly grounded. The conclusion that I came up with while nursing a Molson Canadian Light over 20 minutes was that it is these fears that are keeping me from any sort of spontaneity (bad choice of words) --- any sort of excitement, we'll say. I can't expect anything in my life to change on it's own --- Ralph Waldo Emerson taught me that, while Thoreau indirectly forced me to accept the fact that if I do choose to live a certain way, or do something in particular -- I need to make sure it's exactly what I WANT, and not what society may want.

It also then beared on me, after I tried to spit out the window but it landed on my arm due to the wind ------- that society doesn't really pay attention to me at all -- much like most individuals I know.

That leaves me where I started at, with the revelation that if I don't do anything to change where I'm at right now, only roughly 7 weeks into the semester, then things will only get worse. One man can only hide under the cover of listening to Iron & Wine on weekend nights for so long before people start to notice!

Whether or not they care is another anecdote all by itself, and I'll leave that for a future night.



yr hmbl and obt srvt,


-kev ¶ 2:07 AM |

Dear Elle,


This week has certainly been one I'd like to forget and remember, only not simultaneously, as that is never good for one's mental health.

I finally got to see the Mountain Goats, after years of missing shows and forgetting how brilliant some of these songs are. It was an amazing show: Peter Hughes came out in a striped blue suit and suede shoes, while John Darnielle's guitar strap had an image of the Virgin Mary sewn into it. They started off with "Dinu Lipatti's Bones," and moved into other Sunset Tree songs, including Love, Love, Love, Dance Music, and Lion's Teeth. Highlights from Tallahassee included Game Shows Touch Our Lives, and the last encore song of "Oceanographer's Choice," performed alongside Perry Wright and the rest of the Prayers & Tears of Arthur Digby Sellers, a fine band which combines elements of Ben Gibbard, Q and Not U, and other artists I know you enjoy. I got a ridiculous picture of me and John after the show, with me putting on the most elated and dumbfounded smile you've ever seen, and John bewildered by the idea that I play his music on a tiny college station in Buffalo, 91.3 FM WBNY. Peter was gracious for purchasing the T-shirt, and seemed happy that the luck of the draw allowed them to play my FAVORITE TMG song, "Jaipur," which is the opener to the Coroner's Gambit album.

It's nights like those I forget I'm in college, and scraped past 2 exams and a presentation this week, one of which I aced, and the other I believe I aced, but am not sure yet. Next week presents itself two more mid-terms. I would like to continue using the word "ace."

I find myself spending a good part of every day at the WBNY studio and lounge, usually just goofing around, but now actually having to look over real documents involving real important money, as I'm the Treasurer now. One step forward to becoming Music Director when Jeff Fose leaves (not that I'm in any hurry -- he does a great job). It's so amazing to be able to receive and listen to such a vast amount of good music every single week. I know you'd appreciate it.

An acquired "Sony Sound Forge 8.0" CD should, with the right cable, allow me to record my radio show via laptop for a few weeks, until the trial period runs out, and I need to find a keycode to access the full version.

Poker, on the other hand, has not been as kind to me. After nearly $250 in profit over the last week total, the last 3 days have dropped me another $175, mostly on $2-4 Pot Limit Omaha games. One truly bad beat which led to sloppy play on my part, where no one but myself is to blame.

I spoke to you about discussing Walden over the phone, and I intend to do that. Our conversation will likely take a discourse involving indie rock and Sufjan Stevens (he does a wonderful Beatles cover, "what Goes On"), but that's a risk I'm willing to take.



yr hmbl & fthfl srvnt,


kev



(incidentially, if anyone wants to comment on my blog from now on, click on the little "x" below each post. i can't figure out how to change it.) ¶ 8:07 PM |

Writing this on notepad during my American History class — which is pretty freakin’ boring. The guy who teaches it is fine, he’s just really repetitive with what he says, and a lot of the information I already know/remember from AP US History more than 3 years ago.

My exam for the class is next week, and it more or less consists of me writing 3 essays on 5 questions – we got 11 questions on a sheet, where 5 of em will appear on the exam. Shouldn’t be a problem, but I will have to review.

This week has been a rather monotonous one — nothing exciting, no real swings in poker, and no trips to the casino in about a week. Gah. Luckily, my father is coming up this Friday, to do some catching up/gambling/drinking with his favorite/only son. I’ll finally get a chance to get a good look at the Falls, too.

The following week, I’m seeing the Mountain Goats! Wahoo! Quite possibly my favorite singer-songwriter of all time, John Darnielle, and I get to see him live. He’ll most likely play songs primarily from his 4AD albums, and not from some of the brilliant songs from earlier releases, but I really couldn’t care less. Any chance to see him live is good enough for me.

I continue anagram-ing people’s names. For a recently certified DJ, Gregory Goodson, I came up with “Ge Ron, soggy door?” Bwahaha.

I’m feeling rather content right now, albeit a slight headache. It’s a feeling that has escaped me over the last two weeks for the most part, so it's nice to be just relaxing. ¶ 8:52 PM |

if you can guess what the following things are, I'll love you forever:



reekin' salty TV
veterans-y kilt
kitty sale? NEV'R! ¶ 4:42 PM |

I took a huge hit online and at the casino through poker over the last several days -- it's left my profit margin just barely hovering above $100, and my entire poker strategy and game being questioned and pondered over by myself.

I managed to work the remaining 42 cents I had left in my UltimateBet account and turn it into $25 through small stakes ring games and cheap $1 tournaments. Where I go from here is yet to be seen. I have a lot to work on, obviously.

A lot of work lately, although this week is slightly more calm than last's due to the lack of any big tests. Save that for next week and stuff. I stupidly missed seeing the Slackers on Sunday because I didn't have anyone to go with -- a valid reason for missing numerous shows, but not super ska music. Agh. stupidstupidstupid. It's been a good week otherwise, in social and academic matters.

_________

I don't throw out my politics much on this blog anymore, but let it be known that I HAVE been a staunch defender of a lot of Bush's policies and decisions over the last several months, usually being more disgusted with the Democrats than enamored over the Republicans.

I've learned that fiscal policy doesn't even seem to matter; drunken spending will go on no matter who is in control of the executive and legislative branches.

But Bush's latest charade and prime example of cronyism with the appointment of Harriet Miers to the supreme court is absolutely disgusting -- more than a dozen of some of the best legal minds and scholars of our generation (Michael Luttig, McConnell, Alberto Gonzales, Edith Clement, etc).

And who does Bush pick? A "top lawyer" who was once the head of the Texas State Lottery.

Oh, and she thinks Bush is one of the most brilliant men she's ever met. That should be a warning sign right there, but professional hack Harry Reid (D-NV) seems to think she's perfectly fit. Look, I don't care if she's conservative or her thoughts on abortion. All that matters is Bush could have had a chance to appoint a serious legal scholar, but instead we may be looking at -- quite possibly -- the least qualified candidate EVER. Why'd you have to retire, Sandra?

Anyway.


I also don't throw out my writing much anymore on this blog, but here's a couplel pieces written over the last few weeks/months/years:

Please Do Not Feed The Ghost
_____________________________

Dusty quarters, early November.
Crammed behind the cellar door
in boxes filled with fall
colors, hollow bones, and
apocalyptic monsters.

A holey ghost stuffed
with mothballs, pagan
influences to keep kids
from growing up.

They are spirits
hanging from your wall,

they become young children o'er
nightfall.

They will be
forgotten.


_________________________________________



The Women I've Loved
____________________


I will carry my heart in my hands
(it only weighs a few ounces) into
New York, complete with pulmonary arteries,
pumping liquid into the sewers. The
reaction is uniform: fresh blood.

I will let others admire it
from a distance. They'll wonder
how my hands stay clean when
coldly gripping anothers.

I am going to discard it; let it rot
in the city's trash reciprocals, and watch
the homeless fight over it while
pondering how I'll manage to live,
while such moral weariness
is rotting in garbage.

I never had the heart
to tell my friends it went bad
even before I arrived. ¶ 1:43 AM |

I think I was the only guy at this party tonight besides my suitemate josh who wasn't groping any women, haha.

had a poor session on 1-2 after I got home as well.

and I have a ton of homework tomorrow, and no one to see the slackers with. gah.

and one of my fucking trainees swore on the air today. we were joking around on the air (nothing bad) and he blurted out the word "asshole." andrew katinsas called and yelled "dont swear on the air!" and must have called the GM Dan Organ, who called me a few hours later inquiring about it. I took full responsibility, even though I told all my goddamn trainees week 1 to not fucking swear while you're talking.

all i got was a stern warning, but it kind of soured an otherwise excellent show with some good music. ¶ 4:05 AM |

After my Logic test, I spent a good hour and a half in the bookstore reading a cool book about these MIT guys makin money off blackjack, in ways OTHER than card counting. fascinating, exhilerating, a good read. still need to finish it.

Went to Oktoberfest @ Canisius tonight with Bill, and his friend Kristen. Had a good time --- conversation, sauerkraut, and pretty much FREE German beer that fills you up right. Went to an after-party later on, and had a good time there. Beer pong and just chillin, mostly. I was pretty tired. The night's ending was less than ideal (Kev going home to listen to John Mayer and go to bed), but you'll have that.

radio tomorrow. that's about it. i hope my trainees are ready to deal with a kev who doesn't feel like putting up with any shit, and just wants to do his crossword puzzle. ¶ 3:28 AM |