Dear Elle,



I really feel like I've been disappointing my friends as of late. I don't think I've talked to you or Sarah more than once this the start of this semester -- I need reminders to call my freaking parents, too.

My short-lived attempt at employing a different philosophy to live by didn't go over well. I think I'm going to stop trying to do that.

This is the busiest my life has ever been, which is really a shame, considering my total apathy for most things right now. For once, I actually have things to do. People to see. Phone calls to make that don't involve asking someone if they want to get something to eat (though I do this too, I hate eating alone). A good deal of homework.

But I don't want to do any of it. I just want to get a job, work, find a fake ID, drink on the weekends, and occasionally play some cards. I've heard this is called the "fourth semester wall" in some circles. I express a haughty disdain for such phrases, but it really feels like I've hit some sort of wall. I don't have the will to go forward, but I don't have any choice but to.

I'm not all apathy and woe, mind you. I got to see an amazing show (Animal Collective) in Toronto recently, and have had numerous chances to genuine enjoy myself. I got over the Katie situation, though I honestly still don't know what happened. One night I'm planning to take her out and finally tell her I want to be more than just friends with her -- plans get complex, I stay in that night, go see Matt Pond the next night, become busy, and don't get much of a chance to see her. When I finally do, she starts acting differently around me. I could tell. I picked up on little, subtle things and I figured out pretty quickly she was into someone else. A lot more than me, at least. Funny thing is, I know the guy she's into. He's a cool person and fun to hang out with, but -- well, I'll tell you next time I talk to you personally. I just don't find myself having much to say to her anymore. Not out of any contempt, even, just -- I don't know. But shit happens, and it's not bothering me anymore.

I'm hoping to be taking a road trip on April 20th through April 24th -- namely, to the Terrastock VI festival en route to Providence, Rhode Island. I'm seriously psyched about this. Amazing experimental folk/rock artists and bands -- and a free ticket, covered hopefully by the lovely WBNY radio station I hate being Treasurer for. But this makes is totally worth it. Maybe I can cover hotel expenses too....Anyway, the coolest part of the trip is the fact that we're staying one extra night to see WOODEN WAND AND THE VANISHING VOICE, an amazing amazing modern day psychedelic/easy listening folk band, who is opening for JOHN VANDERSLICE. Oh baby. If you find a way to join me from Amherst to Providence for the Vanderslice show, I'd love you forever.

I've been having this recurring fear lately of being completely alone next year at Buff State. I have numerous friends that are probably going to be leaving after this semester --- including three that I would categorize as my "best friends" here in Buffalo. I've worked so hard here trying to establish myself -- give myself a reason to come back here after visiting Maryland, and I truly do fear that come next year, I won't have many except to finish an education I'm progressively losing enthusiasm for.

But at least I'm getting free housing next year.

Lastly, for now, my spring break plans are up in the air. I could possibly go with Kevin Elia and a couple other friends to Turning Stone Casino for some poker. I could possibly fly down to Philly and see my sister for a little while before heading home for a few days. It's from March 18th to 26th though, if you'll be around.

I really do miss you a lot -- no one has matched your ability to just straight up talk to me and get inside my head like you can. Hope Amherst is treating you well, and I hope your quest for happiness leads you on brighter paths than mine has. ¶ 1:26 AM |