Dear Elle,



I really feel like I've been disappointing my friends as of late. I don't think I've talked to you or Sarah more than once this the start of this semester -- I need reminders to call my freaking parents, too.

My short-lived attempt at employing a different philosophy to live by didn't go over well. I think I'm going to stop trying to do that.

This is the busiest my life has ever been, which is really a shame, considering my total apathy for most things right now. For once, I actually have things to do. People to see. Phone calls to make that don't involve asking someone if they want to get something to eat (though I do this too, I hate eating alone). A good deal of homework.

But I don't want to do any of it. I just want to get a job, work, find a fake ID, drink on the weekends, and occasionally play some cards. I've heard this is called the "fourth semester wall" in some circles. I express a haughty disdain for such phrases, but it really feels like I've hit some sort of wall. I don't have the will to go forward, but I don't have any choice but to.

I'm not all apathy and woe, mind you. I got to see an amazing show (Animal Collective) in Toronto recently, and have had numerous chances to genuine enjoy myself. I got over the Katie situation, though I honestly still don't know what happened. One night I'm planning to take her out and finally tell her I want to be more than just friends with her -- plans get complex, I stay in that night, go see Matt Pond the next night, become busy, and don't get much of a chance to see her. When I finally do, she starts acting differently around me. I could tell. I picked up on little, subtle things and I figured out pretty quickly she was into someone else. A lot more than me, at least. Funny thing is, I know the guy she's into. He's a cool person and fun to hang out with, but -- well, I'll tell you next time I talk to you personally. I just don't find myself having much to say to her anymore. Not out of any contempt, even, just -- I don't know. But shit happens, and it's not bothering me anymore.

I'm hoping to be taking a road trip on April 20th through April 24th -- namely, to the Terrastock VI festival en route to Providence, Rhode Island. I'm seriously psyched about this. Amazing experimental folk/rock artists and bands -- and a free ticket, covered hopefully by the lovely WBNY radio station I hate being Treasurer for. But this makes is totally worth it. Maybe I can cover hotel expenses too....Anyway, the coolest part of the trip is the fact that we're staying one extra night to see WOODEN WAND AND THE VANISHING VOICE, an amazing amazing modern day psychedelic/easy listening folk band, who is opening for JOHN VANDERSLICE. Oh baby. If you find a way to join me from Amherst to Providence for the Vanderslice show, I'd love you forever.

I've been having this recurring fear lately of being completely alone next year at Buff State. I have numerous friends that are probably going to be leaving after this semester --- including three that I would categorize as my "best friends" here in Buffalo. I've worked so hard here trying to establish myself -- give myself a reason to come back here after visiting Maryland, and I truly do fear that come next year, I won't have many except to finish an education I'm progressively losing enthusiasm for.

But at least I'm getting free housing next year.

Lastly, for now, my spring break plans are up in the air. I could possibly go with Kevin Elia and a couple other friends to Turning Stone Casino for some poker. I could possibly fly down to Philly and see my sister for a little while before heading home for a few days. It's from March 18th to 26th though, if you'll be around.

I really do miss you a lot -- no one has matched your ability to just straight up talk to me and get inside my head like you can. Hope Amherst is treating you well, and I hope your quest for happiness leads you on brighter paths than mine has. ¶ 1:26 AM |

Dear Elle,

You would probably like Toronto. Albeit everything also being written in French besides English, from the small part of it I saw it was really cool. Matt Pond PA was amazing --- I was able to take some excellent pictures, and hear some excellent music. He played all of me and Bill's favorites (except for one song), but what a great show.

We had lunch at this cool Sports Bar thingy where ordering pints while eating lasagna/fish and chips was not a problem, due to the sensible drinking age there.

Unfortunatley, there was also the insane liquor tax. What the fuck. The last drink I had for the evening was at the venue (Mod Club) where a Molson Canadian was --- $5! Five fucking dollars.

It was still the best show I've seen this year though. I'll be back in that damn city before the end of the month -- to witness the beauty of Animal Collective!

First draft of a new poem I've worked on. Untitled as of right now.

________


We are stuck in a pocket of Southeast Ontario,
on empty streets.
We are incompetent survivors, living dangerously
under black Toronto skies, under clouded acres
in Mississauga, chasing after snow storms which
will soon vanish into the midnight of our consciousness.

But I will go no further. Even untouched Canadian
roads will feel Erie's lake effect under the noontide sun;
all hope is dashed by its bitter winds,
all hope is crushed when spring rescinds,
and Canada's snowflake constellations surround
every inanimate object in a blanket of white;
every unattached affinity is swept away, into
the Falls, to be lost in the perpetual mist. ¶ 1:09 PM |

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
-the best gestures of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

- e.e. cummings ¶ 12:29 AM |

The Catalyst
___________


Who knows how these chain reactions
Flash down our histories
And spread their heat

Who cares? I only know
This ancient mariner
Plunges through your perfect seas
Unchanged and yet forever changed

Who knows how it could happen
Beyond the ancillary catalysts
Of those before, how mad
Freewheeling molecules could intertwine

Through and through? I only know
These ironic elements
And compound energies of mine
Love only you. ¶ 12:12 AM |

Dear Elle,


The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. They always have, and they always will. But I am not a quiet man. I can be rather vocal, outspoken, and outlandish, depending on how much I'm gambling with.

Even after a loss from a game on Tuesday, I found 42 cents in an old poker account online, and turned it into $9.25 in an hour and a half. It's a good omen.

Onwards!

The radio station I practically work at for no pay: WBNY. I like our GM, but he's really rather ineffective and lazy at doing his actual job. So rather than run for music director (which I still want to do) come elections, if no one steps up to replace him as General Manager, then I will. I've been busy lately with that shit, doing a lot of treasury business, and recently finalized some things in order to renew the station's license (every 8 years!)

One of my best friends in Buffalo since my first day of college -- James. We're obviously still friends, but things have been tough for him lately. He crashed his car by falling asleep at the wheel going back home about a week ago --- he has his life and his health intact, but $2500 damage on the car. Some credit card debt, a girlfriend going to study abraod for several months in Australia, and not much reason besides a couple friends, myself included, to stay in the dirty city of Buffalo past this semester. If that.

I understand his situation and don't fault him at all --- but it's tough, because he was the guy I was planning on living with, sharing an apartment with over the summer and next semester. Now my options are really quite limited, and I'm back to square one with myself in regards to that. Cause I'm 85% sure he's going to end up moving back to Rochester.

Not everything is bad, though. Many things are quite good. Classes are fine, volunteer work opportunities are kind of presenting themselves -- hopefully. And I've been seeing a lot more of a really cool, really pretty girl. Tennessee, actually. She's had to deal with a plethora of awful, rumor-spreading psychos on the floor of the dorm she lives in, and is luckily moving out to a different floor tomorrow, if all goes according to plan. I'm gonna help her out, and maybe try to figure out exactly where our relationship is going. It's certainly looking to progress nicely, at this point in time.

I'm really rather clueless as to the whole situation. It's a lovely feeling to be with someone who just kind of melts into your arms, and whose head rests rather comfortably on one's shoulder. She enjoys my eclectic personality, and I enjoy her optimistic, lighthearted way of living/thinking.

The requires traits of any woman I date: common sense and appreciation for poetry are both met, although I could expand her horizons on the latter of the two, I bet. Force some Walt Whitman or Allen Ginsberg on her, maybe. Heh heh.

I still want to get to know her better though. I've realized that I fear long term relationships right now. I'm absolutely terrified of them, also taking consideration what you told me on the phone several nights ago --- regarding how we analyze ourselves in these situations. By the way, I need you to call me one of these days. I don't know your schedule and mine is pretty reasonable. So yeah.

Do I like her a lot? Yeah. But we are opposites in many regards, too. Opposites attract, of course, but too much of a difference creates a big potential problem of both of us heading in two different directions, with two entirely different ways of thinking. I don't think we're THAT different, but it's something I need to take into consideration if I want to jump into a relationship.

I know YOU'd love her though. She enjoys expensive clothing and is liberal. And hot. Bam!

All this aside, rest assured, I'm happy and content at the moment. I hope you are too!


yr hmbl & obt svt,


kev ¶ 1:41 AM |