Dear Elle,
In this mad collection of six classes that I'm taking, there is one on existentialism thrown in there. I haven't reached the comfort point of speaking up in class regularly for this one yet, but I was able to meet with my professor this afternoon and talk with him – one of the heads of the philosophy department.
He's quite a guy – down to earth, and, in his own words, not the typical fun-loving guy that many others are. Existentialism has certainly helped shaped the way he's thought, and for me, in just a few classes, it's really helped me confront those questions that usually plague an occasional existential crisis.
Anything associated with trying to find meaning in life – speaking of apathy, of becoming detached towards things I should care about – these are not subjects to start a party with. Unless, of course, they're one of your parties. But they are taboo subjects, even among friends.
Do I take myself too seriously? Only I know the answer to that question, and I'm still trying to figure it out. Like Pablo in Sartre's
The Wall, I can reach a point in my life where I will have taken things too seriously, and end up with the downfall that will leave me completely scarred, and devoid of any remaining will to live the same way I'll have lived before.
It has not reached a point where I will wave off friends who call me, or wish to spend time with me. I hope it does not reach that point anytime soon – I refrain from using the word 'pray,' because my connection I've felt towards God before I seem to be losing. Not just in the few weeks I've been back in Buffalo, but for a while. This is where the serious issue of detachment comes in. I know if I get to a point where all the things I'm obligated to do drain me enough – I'll just stop caring.
And contrary to the idea that doing so would cause everything to build up and hit me all at once unexpectedly – no, it wouldn't. No one else would notice or care – no one would suddenly walk up to me and tell me to get out of that mindset. The occasional “cheer up,” perhaps, if I was looking down, but that's not exactly a solution.
I try to be a good Christian. Treat others as I would like to be treated, reserve judgment from what I don't fully know, and forgive others.. I don't want to simply create my own world and isolate others, where all I'll have is my own small goals and obstacles to overcome, which will eventually become meaningless.
I should ask my friends here – to tell me if I start to act like I'm doing things out of a sense of duty or obligation, rather than a sincere care for whatever it is. I fear apathy more than anything else, some days. I really do.
Miss you a lot. Hope things are happy and swell up in Amherst.
yr hmbl & obt svt,
kev
current book: several